God and The Bluebird

My story of Awakening and Self transformation

My first moment with God that I can remember, or attribute as such,  was in 2009 in White Sands, New Mexico. Although I didn’t say God yet, I still referred to God as the Universe back then. I grew up Catholic but was not a believer in God. I thought God was this judgmental patriarch who didn’t save or help anyone, least of all kids from being abused by family members.

Let’s go back to 2007. 2007 was a very low point in my life, so low that I don’t remember much about it other than it was the turning point when my life started to change. At the time I didn’t know how I was appearing to the outside world, I know I had lost joyfulness, and my smile, and was close to taking my own life, wondering if maybe everyone would be better off if I was not here. My sister Carrie was so worried about me that she practically dragged me to a Reiki 1 class, she said it was paid for and come. I remember at one point another classmate asking if I was ok and tears just streamed down my face. It’s hard for me to recall that feeling now because it is so foreign to me. I remember feeling utter hopelessness, empty. The class was beautiful though, and I remember feeling something for the first time in a long time but it would take almost 2 years to start using what I had been given.

Back to 2009. I had my annual woman’s health visit, the fun Pap test we all go through. I got a call from the doc saying that my pap had come back abnormal and they wanted me to come back into the office for a loop test. So I returned and had that test done. Well, that one showed even more abnormality so they wanted to do a cone biopsy, which required minor surgery, which meant hospital and being put under anesthesia. I had never been put under anesthesia in my life, I had all three of my sons naturally, without epidurals.

When I told my sister what was happening, that I may have cervical cancer, she encouraged me to start practicing Reiki on myself, that I had the tools I needed to heal myself. The biopsy was scheduled and was three weeks away so I started doing Reiki on myself every day and it was miraculous. I started sleeping better, I was able to meditate and laughter came easily to me. By the time I walked into that hospital three weeks later, I already knew whatever was wrong had been fixed. I felt healed. As a side note, my sister’s friend Patty was the one to assemble my surgical implements for my surgery and she was a Reiki practitioner, so she did Reiki on them.

The surgery went perfectly with no complications. I received a call from the doctor to come in for the results. When I sat down across from him it was all I could do not to bust out laughing at the perplexed look on his face. He said, “I was 100% sure I was going to be relaying bad news to you when I received your biopsy results but you are completely clear. There are no abnormal cells at all.” He said he didn’t have an explanation for it and I just smiled at him like the Cheshire cat and thanked him. I was so Grateful.

This was the beginning of a transformation for me. A few weeks later my family and I drove out to New Mexico for my husband’s family reunion, his Dad was turning 77 and wanted everyone to come out there to a hostel their friend owns. It was incredible, I instantly fell in love with New Mexico. We went almost everywhere in those two weeks, from Taos south to Las Cruces, seeing pueblos and national monuments and parks. New Mexico has a magical energy. The moment happened at almost the end of our vacation, we were at White Sands. The kids were sledding down the pristine dunes, then they were laughing as we adults took our turn and my kids were impressed and cheered that their Mom was the only adult not to wipe out at the end. It was a short while later, I was sitting crisscross on the sand with my oldest son to the left of me sitting the same way in a sled, and his female cousin to the right. All the rest of the “adults” were standing a short distance away talking. I was just sitting there picking up the crystal sand in each hand and letting it slowly sift back to the ground when it happened. All of a sudden I just had this great sense of Clarity and something said, “You don’t have to be around these people.” Meaning the adults. And this great weight lifted from me and I had such a feeling of elation and joy!

Over the next two years, I divorced and then was remarried to whom I thought at the time was my “Soul Mate”. I dove deep into Reiki, and all things Spiritual. I read every book I was drawn to. I became a Reiki 2 practitioner and then a Reiki Master. Gratitude became my attitude. I went to meetups and met new people, and held my own meetups to connect with people. I held Reiki circles and classes. Life was good for the most part but something still felt missing. I was nowhere near the hopeless person that I was in 2007. Knowing what I know I could never go back to that, but still, there was a feeling of something missing. I know now it was because I didn’t love myself. In 2015, my husband and I moved to Albuquerque NM. I was finally back in New Mexico and so excited to adventure and explore the gorgeous state. We hiked all the time and took camping trips when we could. I didn’t make any attempt to meet others, didn’t share Reiki with anyone, and after a while, something was still missing.

To move this story along a bit, I started to work on my health in June of 2016 after I had a health scare earlier in the year. I became vegan and started practicing Yoga. Over the next 6 months, I saw steady improvements in my overall health but had only lost 10 pounds. I was still 260 lbs. I knew I needed to do something drastic, as I had already switched to such a clean diet. So in July 2017, I went on the potato diet for 30 days and lost 17 pounds!! I was ecstatic! and even more so when I continued to steadily lose weight even after returning to my normal plant-based eating. I was starting to feel amazingly good, I was walking every day, practicing yoga, and sinking more and more into health and wellness. By December 2017 I had lost 30lbs and continued losing more as each week went by.

Then on March 25, 2018, my husband came home and said he didn’t love me anymore. My world dropped out from under me. I was devastated, I had nothing and no one in New Mexico. I wasn’t working, I had no money, we only had one car and it was in his name. I didn’t know what I was going to do, the obvious was to move back to FL where I had some family, but I loved it there in Albuquerque and didn’t want to leave. I had come so far in improving my health. Luckily we were in a two-bedroom apt and I moved into the other room until I could figure out what I was going to do. I decided to stay in NM, so we shared the car so I could work and save up the money I needed to buy a car and be able to move out.

That was the practical solution but inside I was a total mess those first two weeks. I stopped listening to any music and even watching my beloved VanLife and nomad YouTube videos. My sisters to the rescue again. Thank God for my sisters, they are my constant, my rocks. My sister Carrie told me about Mooji. I started to watch Mooji on YouTube and life started improving for me. Mooji speaks about Oneness and living in the present moment. I advanced so much in meditation and not letting mindless thoughts control me. I was so zen after a month of this that I even started dropping my husband off at his new girlfriend's house so I could use the car to uber and make the money I needed to leave. I had started going to meetups and meeting new people. Met an amazing woman and her husband while at a vegan meetup. The same meetup would also go on amazing hikes!! I created a life separate from my living situation and I was full of hope and optimism about the future.

Two months later however on May 25th, I was struggling, I was having a particularly hard day with my current situation with my husband. I was taking my usual morning walk through the gorgeous Bosque along the Rio Grande in Albuquerque, listening to Mooji speak to me through my earbuds. He was speaking about the monkey mind and the story about “Let go of the banana”. I was hurting badly, mentally and emotionally, my mind had a grip on me. The walk itself was beautiful, even in the midst of my struggle I was still mindful of my beautiful surroundings. Then I noticed a flash of blue, I stopped to see if I could identify what kind of bird it was but it was hidden in the shadows of the early morning sun. I continued my walk and 30 minutes later, on my return trip to this exact area, I did something I had never done before in my life. I started praying. I started to pray to God, help me, help me! I saw the flash of blue again and looked to see if I could see what kind, it was a complete indigo type color, not the usual blue bird I had seen with the white on the belly. It was a completely deep indigo blue. I decided to look up on my phone what bluebird has to say in my Steven Farmer Spirit Animal book. By the time I had read the last line it happened. All of a sudden I felt this immense, all-encompassing feeling of Love, it was crushing, I staggered and almost fell to my knees. This overwhelming feeling of unconditional Love and I heard “no matter what happens in this life you will always be ok.” I cannot even fully describe to you how this felt, I felt elevated and elated!! I understood what the Christians meant by being reborn. It felt like being reborn indeed, I was seeing the world as if from new eyes!! I couldn’t stop laughing and crying at the same time. All my struggle at that moment was gone. I knew the true feeling of unconditional love, the closest that had come to that feeling to this point was the love I had for my children. Now I could truly love them unconditionally, along with everyone else, everyone!!

I remember hearing Mooji say that awakening can happen when you transcend the mind but sometimes you awake and then have to transcend the mind. The latter is what happened to me, I was awake, I knew the truth of what I was, and the outside world no longer had a grip on me. I saw it for the illusion that it is. I AM that I AM. This was the “truth that set me free.” I was no longer a prisoner of the ego of my mind. I knew that who we think we are is not who we are. We are God and God is us, there is no separation.

Two months later I still didn’t have enough money for a car but it didn’t matter. I knew God was in charge and it didn’t matter, I just had to trust and have faith. I was Fearless!! I had sold a lot of what I owned just to be able to get out of there, including my good camera and some jewelry. I found a room for rent, through my Beautiful Friend Roberta whom I had met in the vegan group. On July 27th I left with my belongings and only had a bicycle for future transportation. I paid for the divorce from my meager savings because I wanted to be done with that chapter of my life. It was finalized within a few weeks and now it was time for the next chapter of my life. 🙏🏼💜